GUEST POST: When Iron Chef Goes Horribly Wrong

Growing up, everyone has had a concoction that just defies logic.  I heard legends of a lime jello and tuna fish salad as a child, but I had never experienced a Grandma-playing-Iron-Chef meal.  Undercooked, overcooked, or incongruous sides to the main but no mythical beasts.  My mom, however, has been presented with some pretty…interesting dishes at Chez Iron Stomach.

To prepare you for the entrée, let’s try the appetizer.  Remember how that word is related to “appetizing”?  Yeah, go ahead and put that expectation on the table.  Our starter is a potato salad that was doctored up.  After being told, DO NOT MAKE OR BRING ANYTHING, WE HAVE ENOUGH FOOD.  Well, I think my grandma just hears that as a challenge.  So she decided to get some tubs of grocery store prepared potato salad.  Now, this just wasn’t good enough.  My mom and aunt were present to prevent step two to a doctored up salad.  She wanted to RINSE OFF the extra mayonnaise.  She actually had the colander out and was ready to scoop the salad into it, but she was foiled by the speakers of reason.  Not to be thwarted, she pulled out one of those gargantuan olive jars and proceeded to slice up a bazillion olives to add to the salad.  5 olives would have been plenty, but no, go big or go home!  She was even decorating the top of the salad with olives.  Because, you know, everyone loves olives.  Or olive salad with potatoes.

Now that your appetite has been whetted by that delicious starter, let’s move on to the main course.  Here’s a diagram of what is about to be on your plate. 

I might mention that she told my mom, who offered to make the sauce with butter, cream, parmesan cheese and nutmeg, that that was too unhealthy for the family to eat.  She had a better recipe.  One that involved China Town and Boston having a love child in Little Italy.  She actually made an “alfredo” sauce using soy sauce, cheddar cheese, and clam chowder.  You know, things that you would automatically put together in your mind as a great sauce.

In case you’re still hungry, you might want to order a pizza.  But according to my grandma, a pizza is not a complete meal and needs some vegetable lasagna to help prevent heartburn.  The same ingredients are in both so doubling your food intake should make it better and not likely to give you heartburn or indigestion at all.  My grandma should be on Chopped or Iron Chef with those amazing culinary skills.  Can I make a reservation for you?

(RouxBarb/Editor’s Note:  This “Guest Post” brought to you from Nashville-based blogger Erin H., whose restaurant reviews can be found on urbanspoon.   She pens Visual Vacations (“Where travel, design, art, and food converge”) in her spare time, which you should check out in yours.

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11 responses to “GUEST POST: When Iron Chef Goes Horribly Wrong

  1. You know….there is that show Worst Cooks In America 🙂

  2. Hilarious! My mother-in-law makes alleged “Waldorf Salad” with mini-marshmallows and mayo. That’s it.

  3. I have two words for you: turkey loaf. Not as in “meatloaf with turkey instead of ground beef” but “a roll of bits and parts of turkey you would rather forget rolled up in something unidentifiable and frozen only to be brought out at the next family function.” I loved my grandma. But, the thought of turkey loaf makes me shudder.

  4. Angela, she makes turkey loaf as well. No one eats it except my 2 uncles who still live at home.
    Joan, she once made cole slaw meets a Waldorf: cole slaw plus marshmallow fluff plus pineapple. Fondly referred to as Kitchen Sink Cole Slaw.

  5. I havent read anything this funny since Sh*t My Dad Says!

    Thank you so somuch for this! Tears are streaming down my face.

  6. My mom used to totally gross me out with stuffed bell peppers! Can you imagine liver as a stuffing? How about liver and capers and canned cream soup? Oh, and don’t forget undercooked Rice-a-roni in there. (shudder)
    Not to mention creamed tuna and peas in a filo dough cup …. only there were so many peas it was just a gloopy slurry of green sludge with little pieces of tuna flotsam and jetsam waiting to burst the undercooked doughy dam. To this day, I’m convinced that peas are evil. Evil Peas.

  7. I was unfortunately there for this “alfredo” and the vegetable lasagne to prevent heart burn from pizza. What was forgotten was that in addition to the pizza and vegetable lasagne hpt saugasage sadwiches were served.
    WOW!!! Liver and capers…I just threw up a little in my mouth.

  8. sounds delicious:)

  9. Pingback: A Sense of Place » Guest Post: When Iron Chef Goes Horribly Wrong

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