Behold the “Starbucks Can Suck-It” frappucino:
I nailed this hard, my friends, which is a really good thing considering I’m boycotting Starbucks for pulling the coconut rug out from under me just when I’d gotten addicted, or at least the Starbucks in Little Five Points because I’ve gotten reports from across the US that other, far better managed Starbucks locations still stock coconut and continue to win friends and influence people by serving up coconutty delishiousness in endless variations. To be fair, maybe it’s just the L5P location itself that sucks. Maybe I just stumbled upon a particularly vicious barista two weeks ago who gets his rocks off reducing customers to tears (I didn’t cry, by the way, but I wanted to). Or maybe he was just a dumbass who didn’t really understand what I was getting at when I said, “Dude, look right up there on your recently manufactured menu where it says NEW next to the coconut…how can it possibly be discontinued?” his shoulder shrug conveying either ignorance or a refusal to continue the conversation without the benefit of my sobs. I mean LOOK, I just pulled this off their website this very morning:
And also I haven’t given the company the opportunity to turn this boycott bus around by firing off a strongly worded e-mail to which they could respond (plus that’s Carrie’s department and she’s been too busy the past two weeks to perform these duties and/or she’s not terribly compelled to because HER Starbucks still has coconut so she’s just left me hanging out to dry), but now that I have a handle on the situation and I can think straight again, perhaps I will get around to writing one.
It was tough going for a week. That Wednesday morning I walked into Starbucks perfectly happy and I left to find my life in shambles. I started yelling at people – harmless defenseless people who had done no wrong – and wishing to kill a host of others who did wrong, but didn’t really deserve to die for it, or at least not by my hands. I was in an endless, teeth-gritting state of agitation for five entire weekdays. I took the weekend off to read a bunch of books and parade Mr. Pink, the giant stuffed pink flamingo, around the neighborhood, which was great fun. This is Mr. Pink hanging out on the patio at Persephone’s place (P is a tattooed metal chicken that Mr. Pink may or may not have a crush on):
If you’re having a bad time of it, you might want to invite him over. You’d be surprised how effective he is at providing respite from the flames of fury. He makes a pretty cheap house guest, too, because you’ll be all, like, are you hungry? And he’ll be all, like, oh I couldn’t eat a thing, I’m just stuffed…
After I dropped him off at P’s house, the rage started gnawing at me again so I decided to take control of the situation and figure out how to make my own damn frappucino.
Before I explain the basic recipe, let me pause here to say all you naysayers out there who think coffee in cold form is disgusting need to rethink this position. I felt the same way until a couple of years ago when I accidentally ordered a frappucino at Starbucks and didn’t really know what it was, and having spent more on that one, single frivolous drink than the average Congolese earns in two days, I couldn’t just toss it out, so I took a sip…and fell in love. Frappucino then became the gateway to harder stuff, like iced macchiatos and sometimes at work when I’m desperate and it’s 300 degrees outside just plain ol’ coffee straight up on the rocks. But frappucino is the gold-standard. Think milkshake. Think creamy oasis of yum with half the calories that will perk you up on a hot, hot day. Think HEAVEN.
Creating utopia in a glass at home has the added benefit of letting me regulate the level of sweetness and caffeine, both of which I prefer to keep at lower levels, without the hassle of learning to speak Starbuck (or teaching it to their new employees because if you’ve been a long-time loyal Starbucks customer you may have been speaking it longer than the person serving you has been alive). So what I describe here is MY version. Feel free to ramp up or tone down your own, should you decide to give it a whirl. What I describe below is up front prep work for SIX servings, and one actual serving ready to drink. And finally, my experiments so far have utilized Hershey’s chocolate syrup, not coconut, because that’s what I have on hand. But I’m on the look-out for coconut syrup and when I find it you better believe I won’t walk into my kitchen three days later and say to myself, “Oh, sorry, that flavor’s been discontinued.”
The make ahead part
Coffee: Measure out enough ground coffee (I use ½ reg, ½ decaf) for an entire pot of strong coffee, but only use 26 oz of water to wind up with 24 oz of REALLY strong coffee.
Sugar: Stir in 6 tablespoons of sugar.
Let it cool, pour it in a jar (I use a mason jar) and put it in the fridge at least overnight.
To make one serving
Ice cubes: Fill a 16 oz glass/mug with ice cubes. Pour them into a blender.
Sweetened coffee: Pour 4 oz (1/2 cup) into the blender.
Flavoring: Squeeze in 1 tablespoon of Hershey’s syrup
Blend until smooth.
Skim milk: Pour in 4 oz (1/2 cup) into the mix
Blend just a few seconds to mix – not too long or it gets overly frothy.
Pour into a glass and a straw and enjoy. Tada! And it’s less than 110 “Starbucks can suck-it” calories.
Final note: If you are a Starbucks legal representative trolling for people to sue, don’t bother. I could barely afford to purchase your products in the first place, so you won’t get much out of me. A much better strategy would be to turn me over to your customer service department, who would almost certainly send me a gift card worth a lifetime supply of frappucinos, because while I vow not to spend any more of my own money in your stores, I have no objection to free stuff.